anxiety, to me

I didn’t intend to have a blog or want to be a blogger and I still wouldn’t consider myself a blogger. But there are times I have things to say that I think would be helpful to others, or times I want to share  my struggles simply to commiserate. Today is one of those days.

And I want to talk about anxiety. Anxiety is so different for different people. There are so many different levels. Some people can’t even leave their homes. Some people get violently ill. Knowing what I know about anxiety, I couldn’t imagine it being at that crippling level. The anxiety I experience is something not quite as bad. It isn’t debilitating but sometimes that can be a blessing and a curse. I’m a functioning human being, mom, wife, and crappy friend who can put a smile on my face and go about my day but have this nagging, lingering, awful feeling a lot of the day. There’s not always a reason, not always a trigger.

Anxiety to me, is feeling a sense of dread over such minor things. It’s putting your phone on do not disturb because if someone says one thing that could possibly hurt my feelings or stress me out, it turns into a spiral of intrusive thoughts and emotions. It’s convincing yourself that you’re the most annoying person on the planet and you’re bothering everyone. It’s convincing yourself that everyone is making fun of you. That the Instagram photo you just posted is being sent amongst friends making fun of you or rolling their eyes at you.. and this current post will be no different. It’s having to text friends back days later explaining why you have ignored them for days. That you’ve been super busy, that you’ve been in a weird place. It’s when seeing someone post on facebook when they haven’t text you back causes 8 million thoughts run through your head on what you could’ve done to upset them. Even though I am the first one to admit that I never text people back, the irony isn’t lost on me. And it’s having all of the negative thoughts and emotions I just mentioned turn into a big ball of anger in my stomach that causes me to explode or lash out at my husband or son or mom or sister.

The worst part is explaining to people that nothing is wrong, I just feel like crying. That nothing is bothering me, I’m just feeling moody or emotional or distant. That I don’t mean to be an awful friend. That I’m not inherently selfish. That it’s just this stupid brain that I have that causes me to think and feel irrationally and make me want to keep a healthy distance from everyone when I’m feeling this way.

And if I’m being honest, I saw a therapist the better part of last year. I leaned ways to cope. To tell myself that it’s okay if someone doesn’t like me. That if someone is talking about me it’s not my problem, it’s theirs. I know how to reframe my thoughts and I know all the Bible verses. I say ALLLLL the prayers. Prayer is seriously my ONLY away of coping some days.

Prayer. 1 Peter 5:7. Cast all your anxieties on him. I cling to it daily. I’m not going to pretend that a bible verse and a prayer is an instant fix. It definitely isn’t. But sometimes I just have to remind myself that it is written so simply and direct. Cast your anxieties on him. Because God said so. Because it works. Because ‘He cares for you’ and because He wants you to. Laying in bed telling God what is going through my mind is better than therapy. It feels silly at times to think that I’m complaining to the creator of the universe that I’m anxious over such trivial things but he literally TELLS ME TO DO IT. He TELLS me, right in the Bible, to complain to him about my anxieties because he cares about me. So that’s exacrly what I do and I’ll continue to do.

I wanted to share this in hopes that someone else might relate. That someone else might feel so alone in their anxiety or that it isn’t as bad as some people have it so it’s not worth mentioning. I just want to tell you that you aren’t alone in this and that you too have someone you can cast your anxieties to. Like I said, it’s not an instant fix, but I can’t even tell you how many times a simple prayer, putting it all there and asking for peace, slowly takes away the pit in my stomach and the ache in my chest.

Thanks for letting me ramble ♥️
xox, katie