to the mom with a high needs baby: I see you

I struggled with writing this because I know that being a mom isn't easy, for anyone at all. But I'm writing what I needed to read a couple years ago, and what I would have wanted someone to tell me.

First of all, if you didn't know, high needs babies are babies that are just a bit needier than a normal baby. They need to be held 24/7, they refuse to sleep, scream all the time, are rarely content, etc. If you're wondering if maybe your baby is considered high needs, read here.

My son was the epitome of the examples above. When I would see other babies lying happily on the floor, in a swing, etc smiling or even more shocking, SLEEPING, I would feel so confused. My son never just stayed in a swing happily. If he did lie on the floor, I was sitting right next to him, interacting the entire time. If I even got up to go to the bathroom he lost it, every single time. My showers took about 5 minutes tops (or didn't happen at all until my husband was home) because he would scream the entire time. And this wasn't just a stage or a leap. this was at least the entire first year of his life. He didn't go to other people, not even my husband, for longer than a minute. He definitely didn't sleep for other people because he barely even slept for me. And I remember thinking and wondering how in the world other moms were managing to do basic things like clean and shower and grocery shop because I was barely able to pee.

And that was just all before a year old. He got older and got more demanding and more difficult. He never sat still ever (still doesn't). He didn't sit in restaurant high chairs or shopping carts, he didn't even let a family member take him outside to play without screaming for me.

Its so easy to feel resentful. Its so easy to hate every single new mom who posts a "date night!" picture or a picture at the gym or to pass a mom with a child happily sitting in a shopping cart and, you know, not doing nose dives to the floor or screaming or dumping gold fish on the ground.

And I just want to tell you that I see you. If I knew you by name or knew your story, I'd pray for you. Because I've been there and I know that its only something a mom of another difficult kid could understand.

I also want to tell you you didn't do this! (!!!!!) This is not your fault. When people insinuate that you did this, its like a punch in the stomach. You did not 'spoil' them, you didn't 'teach' them, its just who they are. People will also tell you to just let them cry, its good for them. You'll question if maybe its just because of things you've done, habits you've created, if you're just too weak, or if maybe your baby is just bad. You didn't create a needy monster because you chose to breastfeed. You didn't ruin your child because you chose to bottle feed. Its not your fault that they don't sleep just because you didn't sleep train. You're not creating habits. Your child wont be 10 and still need you to wear them in your Tula.

And more than anything: it gets better. I promise you it does. It wont be overnight. But one day, you'll go to the bathroom, and he's still smiling when you come back. One day you'll go to the grocery store and grab more than 4 items, and you'll leave without any tears (and I mean your tears- because lets face it, I've cried. a lot.) One night, you'll try leaving them with your husband for an hour, and you'll all survive.

2 years later and my son is amazing. He's still TOUGH, but amazing. He took all that emotion and passion and his intensity and turned it into a little boy who puts passion and emotion into everything he does. He talks nonstop. He laughs nonstop. He plays nonstop. But he's SO HAPPY! Hes still extremely attached to his mama but one day he'll be 15 and wont even want me to drop him off in front of his friends, so I'll take it. High needs babies DO turn into high needs or spirited toddlers (aka dragons). A switch doesn't just flip and you get an easy, laid back kid. No, my son is the opposite of laid back and at any given time can be seen following me around whining for me to pick him up. But that same kid can also tell you about any piece of farm or construction equipment, basically potty trained himself 2 weeks after his 2nd birthday, and gives me hugs and kisses every hour of the day.

 It. gets. better. And you'll get a semblance of a life back.

I sometimes wonder if people see MY posts of me having some toddler-free time, date nights, or if someone passes me in a grocery store with my toddler who is sitting in a cart (with 4 snacks and at least 3 tractors to play with, but still, he's sitting)- I wonder if they see me and feel resentful. If they wonder if it will ever get better. And for some reason I feel guilty about that because I just feel the need to tell everyone that its not you, that it'll get better, and that you're not alone and if this reaches one other mom out there who is struggling to even shower and thinks that her baby is broken, then mission accomplished.

xox,
katie