You may not love your baby instantly, and that's okay.

Its love at first sight.

Its a love like you've never known. 

The second I saw my baby I knew I was meant to be a mom. 

Its an instant bond. 

The second you hold your baby it will be such an overwhelming love. 

These are all things you hear from moms about having a baby. I even heard these things way before I was pregnant or even thought about having kids. Its just a thing we all know to be true, like a fact of nature. A mom just instantly loves her baby. Love at first sight. But it isn't always, and that's okay. 

I've seen Facebook and Instagram posts from new moms describing the moment they held their baby in their arms as heavenly, peaceful, rainbows, butterflies, etc. 

Want to know some of the thoughts I had when I first held my babies? 

I'm glad that's over.

Wow he's covered in blood and other gross stuff. 

Should I be crying happy tears right now? That's what other moms do. 

Wow his nose is pretty big. 

Omg, my placenta has to come out next. 

When can I not have my legs spread wide open for the world to see? 

Ow, I can feel every stitch.

Where did he get that nose from? 

I'm so hungry, I wonder when I can eat.
Now what? 

There were no rainbows or butterflies. Relief, yes. Happiness, yes. But an instant love and bond where I feel like I'm in heaven and all is right in the world, not really. And to be honest, I didn't feel that the next day either. Or maybe even the next day. Those days were full of exhaustion and survival mode and worry and fear and did I mention exhaustion? 

Once we got home and I spent every minute with that tiny little baby, soaking up every little facial expression and squirm and cuddle, the love grew. More and more each day. Until every little thing he did was the cutest and best thing I'd ever seen. But was it instantly like that? No. And I wish I knew from the beginning that that is OKAY and normal. 

You may not bond instantly. You may not experience love at first sight. You may feel more stressed and tearful than euphoric and in love. OR you may feel from the very first second that you see your baby that you've never loved anything more. Both feelings are okay. Both are normal. And we need to tell other moms that. 

I don't think anyone wants to admit "you know what, I didn't really love my baby at first." We don't want to tell other moms that and risk being looked at like an awful, heartless person. But its REAL and its honest and its very much normal. And I wish new moms knew that it was okay and normal so that they weren't sitting in a hospital bed wondering if they were cut out for motherhood or if something was wrong with them. 

So I'll take one for the team and put this out there in the world: moms, its okay to not love your baby the second you see them. Its okay to look at them and wonder why their nose is so big or if that big red spot on their forehead is going to be there forever or to wonder when your next meal is going to be. Its okay to feel a little numb or tired or scared or worried. Its okay and it doesn't make you a bad mom. And maybe if we told moms-to-be this, and made it a little less of a dirty little secret, some moms wouldn't spend their very FIRST day in motherhood already comparing and feeling like a failure. 

<3 

I wanted to add that while feeling numb, sad, empty, anxious, angry, having difficulty bonding, etc can be normal at first, having these feelings long-term may not be. If you're feeling like you just don't feel "right" or that your days as a mom continue to be sad or ridden with anxiety or anger, reach out for help. Talk to your doctor. There's a difference between baby blues and normal human reactions, and postpartum depression. Click here for more info on PPD, PPA, and other postpartum mood disorders.